dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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