He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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