so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
