My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
