Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
