Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
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So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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