He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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