If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize