I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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