He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?