she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
She bit a glass in half.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
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I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.