I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
The air was thick with penises
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"