I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
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he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
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Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down