she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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