If that was your dad, he is hot
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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