This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
