I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
worst night to have a conscience
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
