It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
