never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
