i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
