I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
