after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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