Banned from zoo.
Again?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
