Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
