ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
