my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
