I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
