My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
There are leaves in my underwear?
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