How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
