Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
