May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
