Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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