Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
