i would punch a child for taco bell
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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