Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
