I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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