but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
