I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
