Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
