So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
His nipple licking is glorious
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