Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
