Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
