Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
