Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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