the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.