The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
