the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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