a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
