Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
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The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
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Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
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