A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
