True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
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There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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