guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
