I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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