Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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