I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
