if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
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his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
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