I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
