I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
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she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
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My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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