At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
