Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
This is classic penis vs brain.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
