Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
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Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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