I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
